I'm a bad blogger... but I have news!

Hello!

On Friday, I went in for my Beta at 8:30am. They called me at noon to give me the news... 308!

Now, I expected to be over the moon excited. But I was hesitant. And unwilling to jump up and down with exhilaration. Because it's still so early. And I hadn't had my "check the doubling" beta yet, which meant it could all be a farse!

My husband had trouble understanding why I didn't sound more excited. At first he thought the nurse said something when she called to make me all downtrodden.

I just could NOT let myself get too excited. What if I got the call on Monday after my 2nd beta, and my numbers fell. Or raised just a tad. It would hurt worse if I let myself REALLY believe.

The miscarriage from last spring is coming back to rear it's ugly head. My husband doesn't remember it that well because he was in the hospital and sicker than sick himself... so I went through it mostly alone. Not his fault, but he missed out on the sadness and worry and wondering about what was happening inside my body.

So, I hesitated. Paused my happiness until I knew more.

Today, I went in for my second beta. Afterward, we went out for breakfast at the same place we went after the egg retrieval, after the ET, and where I got takeout after my first beta (since hubby wasn't with me that time). Because I'm a paranoid freak and have convinced myself that these things matter even though my brain knows better ... I also wore the same (clean, I've been doing lots of laundry) sweat pants and sweatshirt... just in case.

And...

2nd beta = 1470!

So now I'm happy.

Still cautious. And worried. And wanting March 9th to get here FAST so that I can see the baby (or babies) on the ultrasound and really be sure they're ok.

I wish I could just toss away all my fears and just enjoy these moments. I'm cautious by nature, but after all our trying, it just seems too good to be true.

We did celebrate on Friday by going to dinner and seeing King Speech (great movie!), which was fun. And then on Sunday we took advantage of the President's day sales and finally bought a couch for our basement. Getting the house in order for at home entertainment. :)

Thank you for all your good thoughts and well wishes. They mean so much to me, and please know I think of you often, and read up on your blogs as often as I can.

Nutty Nutty Coconutty

First - thank you so much for the blog award nominations! :) I will write more about this a tad later, but I really appreciate you thinking about me.

On the 2WW front, I'm going a bit nuts. Obsessing about blue veins on my chest & every little twinge and cramp. Examining my breasts weight and feel with zeal, and asking my husband to tell me whether my boobs look bigger, or if he can see the blue veins I'm seeing. And, oh by the way, were they there before? Don't think so, but I never really paid attention, so I really have no freaking idea.

I'm still working on thinking very positively, but I have many flashes of fear that on Friday the news will not be what I want. I squash them and push them down, but keep a teeny bit to brace myself... just in case.

In other news, I took a step toward being a better and more adult person this week. I asked my sister G how her pregnancy is going. And didn't cry. Didn't freak out. Neither she nor anyone in my family have mentioned it to me since I was home visiting for New Years, and everyone has been great about calling to see how I'm doing. I think it's easier to think of her pregnancy while I have the hope that this cycle will work for us. I'm trying not to think about how hard it will be if things don't work out. So... they just have to work out for us, right?

I'm working from home on Friday to make sure I'm in a safe place when I get the phone call withe the results from our pregnancy test.

I'm also avoiding peeing on a stick with a vengence. Part of me wants to go ahead and try, but the bigger part of my brain knows that it will open the flood gates to more obsessing ... and make the next few days an even stronger roller coaster. So, we wait. And wait.

And to top it all off, I feel like I've gained 20 pounds, but I don't need the stress of the scale, so I'm avoiding it too. I think I see a theme here. Avoidance.

But ... today I reset my goals on my iPhone "lose it" app to what I think is my current weight, with maintaining as my goal... just so I can make sure I don't balloon up and gain a ton of weight before the baby or babies needs it. I have plenty of extra fat stores as is... so I'm not in danger of starving any child in my womb. And I won't be super strict. If I go over be a few calories so be it - I just feel the need to be a tad more in control, and a tad more careful about the crapfest eating my last week and a half has been. I also want to be sure I'm giving my body the best quality calories - fruits, veggies, grains, lean protein... and less chocolate and crap.

Wish I could go back home and crawl under the covers today. Work is crazy, and at least keeps my busy ... but I'd really rather be sleeping, nuzzled under the cozy covers with a good book.

They're in... wait wait wait

On Saturday, we awoke in the dark to a drizzly day, and headed into the office for our transfer at 7:00am.

When we arrived, we still did not know anything other than that four had fertilized. Nothing about how things had been developing. Nothing. Was a bit nervewracking.

Nurse Heather had VC change into scrubs, and me into a gown - both of us with booties and poofy little shower cap looking things. Still no word on the embies.

Next we went into the transfer room, and they opened this little window into the lab, and asked for my paperwork to let us know the status.

Since Thursday, they'd said, "No news is good news" so I was hoping they were true to their word. And, for the most part, it was. When they finally passed the paperwork to the doc...

One didn't divide. Of the others, we had a 4-cell, 7-cell, and 8-cell. Not too bad. They even gave us a picture.



The 7 and 8 cell look pretty good (8 on the bottom left, 7 on top). We didn't think to ask about what grade they were until after everything was said and done, and by that time the nurse didn't have the paperwork anymore. VC thinks he saw numbers on the chart: the 8-cell as grade 1, the 7-cell as grade 2, and the 4-cell as grade 4 ... but wasn't sure. The nurse remenbered hte 4-cell as grade 4, but didn't remember the rest.

We decided to put all three in, after the doc said he was confident we would not end up with triplets. Once they got the loaded catheter from the lab, the transfer went forward kind of anti-climacticly.

They did a sonogram from outside my stomach to get a picture of my uterus & "partially-full" bladder, and then the transfer part went really fast. After it was over, I laid there a bit elevated for about a half hour while VC and I chatted, giggled, looked up at the sky painted ceiling, and listened to music on his iPhone. I had to make him stop making me laugh because my bladder felt like it was about to burst! Eventually the nurse came back and allowed me to relieve that pressure. :)

Then, we went out for pancakes (just like egg retrieval day), rented a bunch of videos, and went home where I promptly fell asleep until 3:00pm.

By the way, I'm a total dork - I washed the clothes I wore on Wednesday so that I could wear them again. And we went to the same breakfast place. All because I'm getting all superstitious like, and wanted things to go as well on Saturday as they'd gone on Wednesday.

I have so much hope that things are going to turn out well. So does VC. Things went much better than I expected after we heard I had so few eggs. And have continued to go smoothly since.

Part of me wonders if God had a hand in this - the "only enough embryos for this one transfer thing" - helping alleviate me from any worry over left over embryos. And helping my parents feel really good about their decision to support us doing IVF.

I still have considerable fear that even though the 8-cell looks great, and the 7-cell pretty good, that they won't take. That in two weeks, on February 18th, we'll be disappointed.

And now we wait. And wait. And wait.

At least I've been exhausted since the transfer - maybe if I sleep the two weeks away it will go faster...

But... practicing the art of positive thinking. And positive hoping. And letting myself dream... just a little. Or maybe a lot.

Four!

Work is CRAZY today, so just a quick note ... 4 of the 5 fertilized! Transfer will be tomorrow, waiting to hear back from the office on timing, etc.

Now's hoping most of the 4 are developing well...

Is 5 the magic number?

All in all, I feel good about the way things went today. My RE got 5 eggs - 4 good and mature, and 1 small. So, the small one is our bonus.

I thought they would put me completely under anesthesia for the procedure, but they didn't. I took my valium at 6:15 this AM, arrived at the RE lab at 6:45, and was all gowned up with my booties on by 7:00.

Crazily enough, the most painful part was them putting in my IV. I'm not sure what medication they gave me during the procedure, but I was still kind of lucid... not totally aware, but still able to shift back into my rolly bed after the procedure was all over.

I sighed in relief when they said they got 5, because my biggest concern going into this AM was empty follicles / getting less than 4 to work with. So... I'm putting a check mark in the positive column.

After we were done, we went out for a bite to eat and I treated myself to two specialty pancakes & well done bacon at one of our favorite breakfast places. One carrot cake pancake, and one banana crunch pancake - yummy! Then, VC took me home while I texted an update to my family. He put on my favorite movie to watch when I'm home sick (You've got Mail), and I promptly fell asleep before the opening scene finished playing.

Now we wait to see what fertilizes, and what we have to work with for transfer. Whenever I have some quiet time, I silently pray Hail Mary's and ask for whatever I need fertilized to fertilize. I know all 5 probably won't, and all I want is enough. Enough to have a baby.

Quality vs. Quantity

Things are never simple. Or straightforward. Ever.

I'm going in for egg retrieval on Wednesday.

But I only have 4 mature follicles.

They look "beautiful" and well developed. And my lining looks good.

But there are only four.

Nurse Heather said she'd rather have 4 great ones rather than 20 mediocre ones.

The doc said we're "on the cusp" for moving forward or cancelling. But also said he wouldn't be willing to move forward if he didn't feel like we had a good chance of having embryos to transfer. And he thinks (with no guarantees) that we'll have something to transfer.

But I wanted more. I hoped for more. I prayed over and over again for more. For certainty, and the chance to have some embryos to freeze. And I don't want "something" to transfer ... I want GREAT quality embryos to transfer.

I'm excited to be moving forward. But terrified that we're in essence flipping a coin for our 50/50 chance at having a baby ... for the low low price of $10K. And without the safety net of a less expensive frozen cycle.

More Rediculousness Rx

Thursday AM, the day after Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy told me their pharmacy was out of network, and that I my Rx for Ganirelix was not covered (after 3 days of back and forth on my coverage)...


...wait for it...



...Walgreens Specialty Pharmacy called me to let me know my Doc called in a new Rx, and they've verified my coverage.

I am covered? Really? Seriously?

Apparently (even though they are a MAIL ORDER pharmacy), you can be covered by their Pennsylvania office, but NOT by their Texas office.

Total rediculousness. I told them as much.

An hour after they called the Centritide showed up from CVS Specialty.